“I said, ’Mr. Edison, sir, let’s try it on the dog.’ And I wish you could have seen the show that dog put on when I said it! Old Sparky barked and howled and scratched to get out. When he saw we meant business, that he wasn’t going to get out, he made a beeline right for the intelligence analyzer and knocked it out of Edison’s hands. But we cornered him, and Edison held him down while I touched the wires to his ears. And would you believe it, that needle sailed clear across the dial, way past a little red pencil mark on the dial face!"

"The dog busted it," said Bullard.

" ’Mr. Edison, sir,’ I said, ’what’s that red mark mean?’

" ’My boy,’ said Edison, ’it means that the instrument is broken, because that red mark is me.’ "

"I’ll say it was broken," said Bullard.

The stranger said gravely, "But it wasn’t broken. No, sir. Edison checked the whole thing, and it was in apple-pie order. When Edison told me that, it was then that Sparky, crazy to get out, gave himself away."

"How?" said Bullard, suspiciously.

"We really had him locked in, see? There were[…]”

" ’Pretty soft, isn’t it, Sparky?’ said Edison. ’Let somebody else worry about getting food, building shelters and keeping warm, while you sleep in front of a fire or go chasing after the girls or raise hell with the boys. No mortgages, no politics, no war, no work, no worry. Just wag the old tail or lick a hand, and you’re all taken care of.’

" ’Mr. Edison,’ I said, ’do you mean to tell me that dogs are smarter than people?’

" ’Smarter?’ said Edison. ’I’ll tell the world! And what have I been doing for the past year? Slaving to work out a light bulb so dogs can play at night!’

" ’Look, Mr. Edison,’ said Sparky, ’why not—’ "

"Hold on!" roared Bullard.

"Silence!" shouted the stranger, triumphantly. " ’Look, Mr. Edison,’ said Sparky, ’why not keep quiet about this? It’s been working out to everybody’s satisfaction for hundreds of thousands of years. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

Excerpt From: Vonnegut, Kurt. “Welcome to the Monkey House.” Doubleday, 2007-12-18. iBooks.

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